Monday, November 1, 2010

Lord, I Apologize

Heavenly Father,

It always seemed rather silly to me to try to involve you in a sporting contest, but after 40 years wandering in the proverbial desert I'm looking to hedge my bet. So, if there's any way you can throw a blessing or two toward Tim Lincecum and the Giants tonight, I promise to be a very good boy.

Moses also wandered for 40 years, and he died within sight of the Promised Land. I got a glimpse of it in 2002. This time please let me enter into this glorious kingdom. I know you have to love baseball, since your son looks just like Johnny Damon.

I promise I'll make it worth your while.

I swear that if you but grant this one request, I'll repent for every impure thought I ever had while watching Angelina Jolie movies. I'll also apologize for that "incident" after the pep rally with the cheerleader in high school. You remember the one -- she was calling your name. I'll also admit I watch Carrie Underwood and Britney Spears videos with the sound off. It'll never happen again.

I know I've wished ill on others. I promise to lay off Jonathan Sanchez - at least until such time as he pulls his head out. Brian Sabean and Bruce Bochy will also get a pass. What's that? Tommy Lasorda, too? We may have to negotiate that point later.

The Scott Spezio voodoo doll? Gone. I'll cancell the hits I contracted on Steve Finley and Jose Oquendo.

I'll even retire the "Larry Krueger Was Right" T-shirt if that'll make a difference.

I have two sons. I won't go all Abraham here, but I can rename one. McCovey keeps his name, but for the other you can pull any name from the Giants roster. I don't need it to come to me in a pillar of fire or descend from a mountaintop on a stone tablet -- an e-mail will do just fine.

No more parties with Charlie Sheen, Amy Winehouse, or that annoying Asian guy from "The Hangover."

And if you want more, I'll contribute to a nice sanctury for rally monkeys, prerferably someplace VERY far away. The little chumps, uh, chimps had October off anyway.

Please grant me this one request, before I suffer the ultimate indignity. I want to be saved. Don't condemn me to eternal pain and suffering. That would make me a Cubs fan, and that IS unforgivable.



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